When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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