I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
