Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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