I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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