Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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