Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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