i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
