I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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