he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
