peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
