Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
