Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
50% drunk capacity currently
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
