I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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