she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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