she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
