i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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