one might say we're banned from that church
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
