the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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