Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize