i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
