I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
what day is it and did you see me today?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
