You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
