I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
