if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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