I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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