Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
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