I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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