got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
