Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
