You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
