Plan B is the new Plan A
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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