you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
