i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
