True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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