He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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