he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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