I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
