Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
