apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
