And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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