Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
