Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
