I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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