grandma shit on top of the toilet
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
