oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
my poor anus
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
