Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
