sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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