Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize