does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
