u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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