I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
