you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
