i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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