the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You may now shotgun with the bride
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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