Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
