Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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