he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Boobs speak an international language.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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