Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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