Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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