Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
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