i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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