I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
