OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
